Please hold. Your call is very important to us.


I beg to differ.

If my call was that important to you, large phone company of whom I will not name, then why did I have to endure a 2 1/2 hour call time that was littered with holding times, transfer times, getting accidentally disconnected, and computerized-automated customer service representatives?

*Excuse me, dear readers*

Lumberjill is frustrated.

As you may or may not remember, The Lumberjack and I are in the process of purchasing a home out in Ruralville.

Remember Ruralville?




A well?

Well, we are in the midst of getting all of our paperwork to our lender.

Our lender-ish people pulled our credit reports.

And now, dear readers, I would like to present to you a horrifying conversation that ensued between my husband and I:

Interruption:  This is not word-for-word.  I repeat, this is not word-for-word.  This is paraphrased.  Lumberjill style.

LJ (short for Lumberjack!  keep up, people!):  Ha!  Dude, for the first time in our marriage, my credit score is higher than yours!

Me:  Whhhhhaaaaatttttt?????!!!!!?????!!!!!????

Interruption:  I do not take this news well.   It has been a constant in our marriage that LJ is better at building houses, falling trees, wakeboarding, and reaching things in the cabinet above the refrigerator.  My strengths have always been typing speed, grammar, cleaner teeth, more book smarts, and responsibility. 

The Lumberjack cannot have a better credit score than me.

Has the world gone mad?

LJ:  Yup.  They pulled our credit report and you went to collections!

Me:  I went to collections?! For what?

LJ:  Back in 2007.  It was with a very large, popular, national phone company that many people would know of so it would be best to not specifically name it in your blog.

Me:  Oh, dear.  Shouldn’t they tell me I missed a payment?

LJ:  Guess not.

Me:  Wait?  Why me?  I don’t make any money.

LJ:  I know.  You just cost me money.

Me:  Word.

LJ:  Well, the Lenderly Lady wants you to type out an explanation for why you went to collections for $68 in 2007.

Now, dear readers.

Lumberjill is in charge of the bill payments in our home.

And I pride myself on paying everyone when they ask for their money . . . not just when I deem fit.

So, I am slightly perplexed as to the events that are occurring.

A)  Shouldn’t I have been notified that my payment was late?

B)  Wouldn’t they have just turned off my phone at some point?

C)  Wouldn’t it be more than $68 since 2007?  You know . . . with the late fees and such?

D)  Shouldn’t they let someone know when they are being sent to . . .gulp . . . collections?

So, last night, I call this very large, popular, national phone company that many people would know of so it would be best to not specifically name it on this here blog.

And the first person to greet me is the automated-computerized lady.

I am sorry, folks.

But I really do not like talking to this lady.

Fake lady:  Are you calling about a home phone?  Please say “yes”  or “no.”

Me:  Yes

Fake lady:  I’m sorry!  I couldn’t quite understand you.  Let’s try that again.  Are you calling about a home phone?  Please say “yes”  or “no.”

Me:  Yes

At the very, exact moment that I say yes, Little Dude asks for milk.  And, in doing so, he has thwarted my plans of communicating with fake lady.

Fake Lady:  I’m sorry.  Let’s try something different.


When all else fails, just yell representative.

Fake Lady:  I’m sorry!  I didn’t quite understand you.


Fake Lady:  Ok.  I will connect you to someone.  But first, let me get some information so I know where to send you.

I really have a hard time with the fake lady.  I hate to admit it, but she gets to me.  She really does.  Even when I am mad, she remains calm. 

And that is just annoying.

Fight back, Fake Lady!

Fight Back!

So, I get to talk to someone.

Who does not know how to help me . . . so he transfers me.

Holding, holding, holding . . . .

This person thinks he can help me.

Person:  You are in New Jersey, right?

Me:  No . . . I am in ______, not New Jersey.

No offense to the fine people of New Jersey.

Person:  Oh, I cannot help you.  Let me transfer you.

Holding, holding, holding .  . . your call is extremely important to us . . . holding, holding, holding . . . . cue “Lady in Red” (name that singer) . . . holding, holding, holding . . .

Alright, people.

I’m going to spare you all the details, but I was transferred about 5 times over 1 hour and it ended with them finally transferring me to the correct office, only for that office to be closed and could I please try my call tomorrow.

Which brings us to this morning.

It was a lot of the same rig-a-ma-roo, folks.

I got disconnected twice.

I had to talk loudly (not yelling, of course) to fake lady numerous times.

I met several helpful, yet clueless customer service associates.

All of whom agreed I owed nothing.

All of whom could not find anything that went to collections.

All of whom who searched my social security number for any clues.



I am clean.


Take that, Lumberjack!

And I would like to add that I have also never had a cavity, nor have I had a speeding ticket.

Go ahead.

Ask the Lumberjack how many speeding tickets and cavities he has accumulated over his 29 years.

Go ahead.

For kicks and grins.

Anyways, I am transferred to the last lady.

She was supposed to be my helper, the woman who make all the wrongs right.

And guess what.

She was rude.

So, I did what any rational, responsible, cavity-less, mother of four would do.

I cried.

You would, too, people, after a combined total of 2.5 hours of phone time only to learn that no one can help me.

So, I asked rude lady for a number where I could reach her customer service department.


I am one of those people.

Oh, I didn’t call.

I was sick to death of being on the phone.

But I bet she’s shaking in her boots.

So, now I get to call 3 credit bureaus and dispute this mysterious collections charge of $68.


I will pay someone $68.


I don’t care.

Just leave me alone.

Anyways, I am in no humor to call now.

I must gird up my loins first.

Happy Tuesday!


Filed under Uncategorized

33 responses to “Please hold. Your call is very important to us.

  1. OUCH! I hate, abhor, and totally despise automated customer service reps. I spent 26 years in the field, and there is NOTHING worse than having to talk to a machine – except for the poor customer who just spent 2.5 fruitless hours on the phone with an automated voice. Sadly this is the state of our world – either you talk to a machine, or someone from India who you can only understand about two words from.

  2. The very best loin girding supplies are coffee and chocolate, and possibly a punching bag…
    And I am not sure I can continue to be your friend – I tend to hang out with high credit scorers. I have very strict standards…

  3. Rachel F.

    I’m sorry Lumberjill, sounds like a crummy day! Hopefully all wrongs will be righted soon!

    p.s. Lumberjack, just how many speeding tickets have you gotten?

    p.p.s. while my hubby was my fiance he got 3 (need I mention we were only engaged for 3 months!!!) lol!

  4. Lani

    I DETEST talking to that automated lady! Inevitably, one of my kids screams or laughs or talks and I end up having to hang up and start over. They really should rethink that technology. It’s not like it’s that hard to press a freaking button.

  5. Jessy

    This is why I make my husband do all the phone calls…he gets through all the automated stuff and holding forever then hands me the phone where I tell the person my ssn and tell them to talk to my husband and hand it right back. It’s great. For me at least.

  6. Diana

    Oh my goodness do I ever feel your pain and frustration! I’ve pretty much had that same conversation with many a’ customer service reps, probably with the very same very popular, large, national phone company. Whenever possible I always yell/say “REPRESENTATIVE” asap! The time we spend that we’ll never get back on those phone calls…so, so frustrating it makes my blood boil…and I think it’s made me cry before, too…you’re not alone!

  7. thedomesticfringe

    These problems are SO frustrating. Sorry you’ve got to deal with it. The lender is a little crazy if he wants a note in writing over $68 anyway, from 3 years ago no less.

    Crazy. Hope you get it all straightened out soon!

  8. I think we have talked to the same fake lady!

  9. danny

    Sis – you need to go to, this is the government sponsored website that gives you access to your credit report from all three major bureaus (TransUnion, Equifax and Experian). From there you should be able to find any information that might give you a clue as to the debt (the collection company that currently holds it, the specific date, blah blah blah). But more importantly, it will give you a quick, phone-call-free way of disputing the debt. If after 30 days, they get no response, they are required to remove it from your report; which is what will probably happen since it’s only for $68.00.

    That’s my banker’s advise…..

  10. Marla

    Oh gosh. I totally understand this post. My former university turned me into collections for a $40 gym fee after I had left. Of course, I paid it when the collection agency called, but I’m still majorly mad.

    I hope you get this mess cleared up.

    Marla @

  11. oh, the fake lady drives me insane!!! she’s goin’ down the next time i call and get her!!! she makes me want to pull all my hair out and hers too!! gggrrrr…..**deep breaths** aahhhhh now i feel better!! :)

  12. Recently we sent away for my husbands college transcripts and were informed since we have a past due balance on his student loan they wouldn’t release them… WHAT?!?!? He’s been out of school for over 14 years… our loans were paid off in 2000… They wouldn’t tell me anything since it was in his name… When he got home and called, you wanna guess what he owed??? .68 Yep… less then $1… and they needed a CERTIFIED CHECK since the debt was over 10 years old!…. This debt cost us over $15.00… you’d have thought that at least once in past 14 years they would/could have dropped us a note… a letter… something… Agggrrrr

  13. How do you know you don’t have cavities? I thought you hadn’t been to the dentist in 5 years.

    I hate phone calls.

  14. what did your kids destroy in that amount of time? Mine surely would have cut something with scissors and greased something with hair gel…

    • thelumberjackswife

      The boys did really well actually. They just played with their trucks and trains and transported things back in forth, which is their daily ritual. The girls were at school. :)

  15. Oh my word, I would have been out of my mind. You can not call anywhere these day without talking to the fake lady, drives me crazy. I hope you find someone to give your 68 dollars too if not, I will take Have a great week!

  16. I’ll take the 68 dollars if you must give it away. I’m just sayin’.

    Oh my, the aggravation of that fake lady. I was just recently talking to her and not yelling into my phone recently either. Now after reading your beautifully descriptive post, I’m aggravated all over again. Thanks for the memories.

  17. So when we were getting our credit checked for a loan, I found out that somehow, I am on our mortgage twice. I guess I make payments to my house…and my house. Idiots.
    However, since it didn’t effect my loan percentage, I still haven’t gotten around to fixing it. You just reminded me. That happened last summer. Oops.
    I’m the type who would get cavities and speeding tickets, except I don’t.

  18. I HATE, LOATH, DETEST, AND HATE some more, those automated fake ladies!! I do NOT think it makes the call go quicker, smoother, or even gets you remotely close to what you want. I personally think these big companies do this, so you won’t call them. That is my conspiracy theory for the day.

    I also had a similiar thing on my credit when we were going for our mortgage 100 years ago. I had to write a letter for my mortgage file stating why I had been 30 days past due on some charge account years earlier. Now, I am not saying I wasn’t late, but it was only on one account, one time, a long time ago. Really, I was supposed to remember?

  19. What a pain!!! I hope you get that sorted out and that previous comment is helpful (about the credit report from “brother banker”). :)

  20. I am also not a friend of fake lady. I hope you get it sorted without anymore aggravation.

    No cavities? No speeding tickets? I have had both. I confess that I like to drive fast and I grew up before sealants were popular. Oh, and I like sugar.

    ps-You may refer to me as Big J as long as you are in no way referring to my hips.

  21. Heather

    Don’t pay it if you don’t owe it! We did that and it made my husband’s credit report WORSE than before. They opened a new account to say we had paid off the old collection and that lovely then got to sit on his report for 7 years. Now, he actually did owe the money, from years prior to our being together of course. This is why I too am in charge of all bill paying in our home. Good luck on your dispute! And like your brother said your credit report will have the number to dispute, and will often have a number to call the company directly to find out where this is coming from.

  22. I cannot count the number of times I have banged my cordless phone on the bed screaming, “Ahhhhh!”
    Fake lady needs a button on the phone that we can press to yell at her.
    Rude lady–sorry you went through that
    You can pay me $68 dollars but I can’t change your credit score.
    I am happy to hear that you don’t have cavities. I know hold you in higher esteem :)

  23. Kendra

    Did you want to throw up? I did when the same sort of thing happened to me. My insurance paid a bill. 3 years…3 YEARS later, they decided they wanted their money back. Apparantly they have the right to do that without notifying the patient. We had since then moved twice. I was turned over to collections. They couldn’t find me…I moved…and then I got a big ding on my credit. LIVID, and quite nauseated…that was me.

    BTW, fake lady was created as a government conspiracy to make our blood pressure rise so high we need drugs! HA!

  24. There is no way in heck I would pay money I do not owe.

    I would be calling el presidente of stupid-0 national company and saying a few things to the so-called recording (I personally think there are people sitting on the other end listening to the stuff we people on hold are saying about them).

  25. Datenutloaf

    I don’t have time right now to read all your comments but I must claim some experience in this area. Nothing you or anyone says on the phone matters. Get their address and write a letter, keep copy and send it with a return receipt so they can’t say they never got it. Then, file your letter of explanation with the big 3 credit bureaus. Trust me on this. They have x amount of days to investigate, prove and reply and they almost never do so it will be removed almost 90% of the time. Don’t waste your time with the creditor. File letter with bureaus and if for some reason the bill is valid and you don’t agree just also write to the FCC. Phone just frustrates you and hold no official weight. for more info see Aunt Datenutloaf.

  26. Datenutloaf

    To All Readers:

    Don’t waste your time on the phone! Whatever anyone tells you, it is not enforceable, proveable, or valid. Look on any bill and there are instructions on how to dispute a bill – in writing and they have a special address. Then get your 3 free credit reports free each year and check them. Any dispute or question follow their instructions as well. In addition, any bill or service or product you charged, your credit card will do the same for you. You can file a dispute with the card you used to charge something and they will stop their payment to them until it can be resolved.


    that was for you. did you hear it in Not New Jersey? it was loud enough.

    I cannot believe you had to do that. So I screamed for you.

  28. Have I ever mentioned that Bob works for a very large, popular, national phone company that many people would know of so it would be best to not specifically name it on this here blog? Well, if I haven’t, I won’t. Please don’t block me as a follower. :-)

  29. Have you ever tried calling FedEx to schedule a pick up? ( I have to do this for work. They don’t ask me to do it too much anymore for reasons you will soon understand) It’s all automated with fake lady, too, but when it processes your answer, it sounds like a chipmunk eating. It’s very annoying.
    But the reason they don’t ask me to call very often anymore is because when you finally get through with fake lady, she asks if you want to hear the pick up time again to say repeat. So I do. Then, she answers, “okay, etc. etc. etc.” then she tells you again to say repeat if you want to hear it again. So I say repeat and she answers, “okay, etc. etc. etc.” (Can you see the vicious cycle I am creating?) I have done this over and over again because it makes me laugh to hear fake lady answer, “okay…” like she is a real person. And you can do it over and over and she never gets mad! She just continually repeats herself. I LOVE IT. It’s the only reason to keep calling for a Fed Ex pick up. Usually, when my co-workers see me giggling hysterically, doubled over holding my stomach, and continually calling out REPEAT, they know what’s going on.

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